Does your hairstyle have a name (assuming you have hair, that is)? I’m not talking about naming it like you do your Johnson, I’m talking about names like “The Bowl Cut”, “The Mullet”, “The Mop Top”, and the tragically lame “Faux Hawk”. Do any of those sound familiar? Not to describe your own hair, we hope. While it’s a known fact that men get bored of their faces, and so to compensate, they try out some trending haircut to spice things up. But if you’re still rockin’ a style from the days when people said “still rockin’” – or earlier – you need to hit the barber, like, pronto. A stale haircut is not only out of style, but it’s like a time capsule for your head. A time stamp that says to the world “The *insert decade* was the best times of my life, and it’s been nothing but downhill since.” So first things first, check out the following list of horrendous hairstyles and grooming of all-time to see if you’re head is the proud owner of one, then immediately, hang that head in shame and take yourself to the salon ASAP!
Powdered Wig – 18th C.
Alright, we know … no one’s sporting this one anymore. Not even you. But we have to start somewhere, so might as well start at the beginning. At one point in time (the 18th century to be exact), was this very unusual trend of putting on a powdered wig of hair, or, painting your hair silver popular. This look sat about three feet above one’s head, and thankfully, ended along with the civil war.
The Lincoln Neckbeard – 1860s
What was started by our 16th president is now seen on the faces of way too many an NFL player and trailer park trash. The neckbeard (aka: chin strap), is often used by people with no chin (or two of them) to give the illusion of a well-defined jaw. But what it really looks like is that your sideburns didn’t know when to stop growing, until they met at your chin. Shave it off!
Hitler Mustache – 1930s/40s
Michael Jordan tried rockin’ one of these a couple of years back in one of his Hanes commercials. He never heard the end of it, as the Internet and its meme generators made sure of that. So if the G.O.A.T can’t get away with this, what makes you think you can?
The Mop Top – 1960s
Poor Ringo. There really isn’t a haircut around suited for that face. But this, the Mop Top, no matter how iconic it is, isn’t it.
Feathered Hair – 1970s
“Feathered” is never an adjective you want to use in reference to your grooming.
Death Metal Hair – 1980s
The apex of men’s grooming fails came about in the 80’s with death metal hair. Needless to say, it should never take a pound of sticky gel to get you out the door in the morning. And the guyliner … for Pete’s sake, there’s better ways to get your eyes to pop (like, for example, a good night’s sleep and a dab of eye cream).
The Mullet – 1980s
That was never a party in the back. Just a bunch of dirty, ratty, ugly-ass hair greasing up your shoulders.
Center-Part Bowl Cut – 1990s
Oh god, I remember this one. Along with, erm, never getting a date.
Frosted Tips – 2000s
The following is ok to frost: donuts, cupcakes, your windows during Christmas. The following is not: YOUR HAIR!
Overly Groomed Brows – Current
Unless you’re trying to look permanently surprised, like a silent film villain, or Count Chocula, there really is no reason to groom your eyebrows this much. Maintenance is one thing, inverted “V”s are another.